child-like
I was hanging out with a group of little children the other day, and watched an interaction between a 5 year old and a 2 year old that made me laugh at the ridiculousness of the moment, and then God spoke directly to my heart about idols and my own ability to lose focus on the blessings of God. Let me start from the beginning. There was a bucket of toys, mostly trucks and cars and toy planes. the 5 year old, lets call him johnny, started playing with them as so the 2 year old, lets call him sami, wanted to play as well. now it would be great to say that they both picked trucks and cars and played happily but were are talking about humans with a sin nature born into them . . . Johnny has his toys and Sami reaches in the bucket and of course picks what quickly becomes the only truck Johnny wanted: "But that is my favorite truck, that is the truck i always want to play with, that is MY truck" now i really wanted to stop the conversation here and reply with; "if this was your favorite truck why did you now pick it out of the bucket when you took your other 5 trucks?" but knowing that reasoning with a 5 year old is a bit pointless i let the situation play out before me.
Sami was as happy as could be with his array of trucks and cars that was before him, but Johnny, while he had the an entire bucket of cars, and the cars he had selected before Sami even arrived to play, he couldn't get his focus off the that one truck. Johnny even started to manipulate the truck out of Sami's possession. "Sami, look at how many trucks i have! if you gave me that one truck then i would give you all these and you could have more." "I have the best truck and an airplane Sami do you want an airplane?" "i would give you this plane if you for that old truck"
It seemed as though Johnny couldn't enjoy himself or find anything to play with because he was so focused on getting the one thing he wanted? that truck that he didn't want till someone else had it...He spent his entire play time trying to scheme and plan a way to get back what was never his, growing in frustration and anger until he put all his other cars in the bucket and walked away.
I couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of this moment. no sooner did i laugh to myself and thank God that i am no longer 5 did God response by reminding me that i am more like a 5 yr old then i would like to admit. "Jeniffer-- don't you get your mind so fixed on your desires that you miss the blessings i have for you?"
It was embarrassing . . . actually . . . humbling. I so wanted to believe that i was so far beyond being 5 and wanting what i can't have because i can't have it. but i am not. instead of enjoying all the blessings i have around me (from people, to things, to time, to resources) i get focused on that thing i want... somedays it is a husband, some days it is an ipad, somedays it is a family, some days, it is a couch, somedays it is a social circle, you name it at some point i have wanted it....and i have wanted it more than what i have. which makes "it" an idol; a thing that is neither good nor bad but has been desired with more passion then my desire for God.
it is as that point, the moment i can no longer see the incrediable outpouring of God's blessings in my life, that i have lost focus. That i am choosing to place what i don't have over what i have been freely given. My heart is so focused on what i think i need or desire that i am choosing to live in a place of brokenness when wholeness and abundance of joy is mine.